It’s been awhile since I posted on this blog, but I’m back in action now and ready to go.
It appears that motherhood is much more difficult than I ever could have imagined. Having my son James has changed my life completely from what it was just a year ago.
In some ways the change is small. I get up and go to sleep earlier now that I have this little boy to take care of. I care less about getting all manner of bodily fluids on me: drool, spit-up, milk, poo, pee, boogers, earwax, and partially eaten food.
I never was a tyrant about cleanliness and I’m still not. I just get to things when I can, and don’t stress about them when I can’t.
Probably the biggest change in my life has been my mental state. Before having James I didn’t really understand what it meant to love someone. Yes, I loved my husband, my family, and friends, but nothing in comparison to this. There are no words to describe the love I feel for my son. It’s too big, too beautiful, but so simple and sweet nothing can come close.
For most of my teenage and early adult years I believed firmly that my parents, and more specifically my mother, didn’t love me. After having James I realized how utterly insane a notion this was. Mothers love their children. It’s as simple as that.
My respect for life has changed as well. The immature, childish belief that I will live forever has left me. I’m honestly bothered by death now, whereas before I regarded it from a rather apathetic state. I never expected that. I never knew.
I guess my point to all this is my own realization at my limited knowledge. We strive to know things, to understand them, but when our field of vision is clouded or obscured, how can we possibly gain any comprehension of what we are looking at? I look at my life now without the rose colored glasses and I see a different world.
