While I was pregnant I read almost every book I could get my hands on that agreed with my view points on birth. I didn’t waste much time on the books or advise I didn’t want. My views, I thought, were correct and everything I read confirmed that.
What were my views exactly? Well, here’s a list:
1) Birth is a painless, spiritual act. If you do not fear the act of birth then you will not experience the intensity as pain, and the experience can be pleasurable.
2) Giving birth at home with my husband attending will be a bonding experience we will want to look back on for the rest of our lives.
3) Hospitalized, technocratic births are bad for the mother and baby.
4) Giving birth is no big deal – you will be back to work in no time!
Okay, so anyone think I am crazy yet? I know my views were different, and I had women telling me during my whole pregnancy that I was in for a rude awakening. I have now given birth and can speak from the other side of the rainbow about each of these ideas.
1) Birth is a painless, spiritual act. – Sorry, but no, birth was not painless for me. Fourteen hours of back labor was excruciating. At the end I was considering shooting myself in the head, but decided that a better idea was to focus that energy in pushing out my son. I was never afraid, but the intensity of my contractions would certainly have scared someone that wasn’t prepared for it.
As for the spiritual side – well, I can’t say it was that either. Birth is like nothing else. At the time it seemed to take forever, like wading through a surreal dream, but looking back it is all just a blur. I think we are biologically meant to forget giving birth to ensure that we continue getting pregnant. I didn’t feel like more of a woman, or more connected to the world, or my husband, or my child. If anything I felt more detached. It was an act – like taking a shit or blowing your nose – and should therefore be treated as such. It happens, it’s over, forget it.
2) Birth as a bonding experience – Yes, my husband caught our son and we were brought closer by the experience, but the experience isn’t that black and white. The surges of emotion are just so intense that it could just as easily have torn us apart. When you give birth in a hospital you have someone to blame if something doesn’t go the way you want. At home, there is no one to blame. Also, as I said before, I am not too big on reliving the experience. When I think about it I am overall very happy, but analyzing it can drive you nuts.
Also when I gave birth I tore. Vaginal tears are very common place and most birth stories I read mentioned them. The thing is – it’s one thing to hear “and I tore a bit.” and quite another to experience the event yourself. As my husband put it “It looked like a bowie knife slit you from your puss to ass and left you wide open.” It was big, scary, and an emotionally a huge barrier to overcome when healing in the weeks after.
3) Hospitals are bad – Okay, I think this is where most people will think I am crazy. I encourage you to do your own research and make your own conclusions about the American infant and maternal mortality rates. Regardless, I still would not give birth in a hospital. I would still only give birth with my husband attending. Just the idea of someone else telling me what to do, adding their fear and hang ups into the situation, I know that I wouldn’t be comfortable allowing them to assist me.
4) Birth is no big deal – Whoa! It might sound really stupid to you, but this one took me by surprise. I had no idea it would take me two months to be feeling somewhat back to my old self again. I’m a fairly physical person. I don’t exercise really, but when I think of a project that I want to do, like laying a new floor or mowing the lawn, I usually expect to be able to do it. Even during my pregnancy I didn’t let being big and bulky hinder me. After giving birth, however, I was forced to spend almost three weeks in bed. When I did get up it was a monumental effort. Even now with James two months old, a simple outing to the grocery store is a big deal. It doesn’t help that it is spring time and there are a ton of things I want to do outside. I have accepted that I won’t be able to do them this year and refocused onto things that I can do.
As new mothers I think we are all predisposed to naivety. I read a lot and really prepared myself for my birth. Some women are comfortable not knowing the slightest thing about it. I think that no matter what we do it will always be different than what we expected. Regardless of how you view your birth or prepare yourself for labor, I do believe that women should have the freedom to choose where to give birth, who should assist them, and how they want to be treated.
Cheers,
Leah Day
