Being criticized is absolutely no fun. I would hazard a guess that most people don’t like it and go to great lengths to avoid it. The problem is, criticism is very good for us. It helps us become more effective, mindful, and efficient. The trick is learning how to work with criticism positively to make a change if any alteration is necessary. As women we can have the unfortunate tendency to internalize criticism, to make it mean much more than it did. We must learn to turn off these emotional reactions in order to work with criticism effectively.
Criticism is the act of analyzing and evaluating the quality of something or someone. Most of the time when we receive a critique, it is meant to be taken as constructive criticism. This means that the judgment was meant to be useful and intended to help or improve our situation. Unfortunately, constructive criticism is often confused with a personal attack. Even when the person providing the criticism attempts to do so in a positive and non-threatening way, our gut reaction is to take their words emotionally.
In order for criticism to be constructive we must learn to turn off this initial emotional response. The first step is reading the situation. Is this person really attacking you or not? Most of the time the answer is obvious. If a person approaches you in a normal way and proceeds to make conversation before providing their criticism, then they are probably not attacking you. Body language can say a lot as well. Is the person leaning toward you or away? Is their body tense or relaxed? Reading these subtle signs correctly can really help you gauge your reaction.
Another part of the criticism that should be analyzed is the persons real words. Here is where most women get in trouble. We have the uncanny ability to exaggerate a neutral statement by simply rolling it around in our heads for awhile. As we focus on the persons words, personal biases work their way to the surface: “how dare Jim say I don’t work hard enough when he is always wandering around talking to people!” These opinions we have made of our coworkers may indeed be true, but in order to work positively with the criticism these people may provide we really need to approach everyone in an nonjudgmental way. Who cares what Jim or Sara or Robin do? What does it really have to do with you?
In order to achieve this blank slate mindset for your colleagues you must learn to leave your opinions at the door. As you walk into work, concentrate on how much work you are going to do and how you will go about accomplishing it. Focus on working efficiently with the people you are immediately involved with at work. At the door say to yourself:
“It is not for me to judge anyone. We all want to work together efficiently with respect and compassion. I am leaving my baggage at the door, it will not help me work today.”
If it helps, find a small object the signifies your biases of yourself and others. Actively drop this object on your way into work and then pick it back up as you leave. This may seem silly, but focusing our negative energy into an object, rather than just letting it all buzz over our heads like a thundercloud, is much more healthy.
So now that you are leaving your biases and judgments at the door, what now? Now is the time to listen. If someone approaches you with a complaint or critique, spend your time really listening to their words. Repeat their words back to them just to make sure you have their point taken correctly. End the situation with a positive phrase like “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I’ll see to it immediately.” and smile reassuringly to make sure the person knows you are not taking their criticism personally.
Once you are alone, write down exactly what the person said. Try to use the same words they used if possible. Once you have done this, read the note several times to yourself while detaching all emotion from your mind. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Does this criticism have some level of truth to it?
- What action led this person to say this to me?
- What can I do differently that will improve the situation?
Answer these questions honestly and if need be, write them down and post the note somewhere you will see it. When you look at it, smile and say to yourself or aloud:
“I am working on this aspect of my job in a healthy and positive way. (Persons name) provided helpful, constructive criticism that will enable me to grow and change for the better.”
The most important thing is to not internalize the situation. A critique about your work does not imply you are stupid or lazy. Those thoughts are your own personal judgments being reflected back at you and they are neither positive nor healthy. Work to rid your mind of personal biases, against yourself and others, and you will find that many areas of your life will improve, not just your ability to work with criticism.
Good Luck!
Leah Day
